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Thursday, May 17, 2007

I'm now pissed. Or disheartened. I'm wrecked with thoughts.

Today i realised something. Everyone only cares about themselves. It just that, and its only that. Deep down, its still that. Its the basic essence. There is no way round that.

Everyone clusters around the best. That's inevitable, i know. But what I also know is that... These few BEST ones aren't the best. They are at their peak, their limits are limited. I can see others whose potential EXCEEDS them, but they never put in effort. Even these minimal efforts put in allowed me to notice their potential, while such great efforts put in by the 'best' were not even acknowledged, not that they care or anything. They score well, but i totally command no respect for them. They just suck. That's it. No way round that. Tell me to do better then them? I will, but i see no purpose in doing so. I will become the very kind of people i despise. The kind that gets all the glory, leaving those that can actually perform in the wake of despair. It has always been like that. Those weaker students... If not for there 'BEST', they woulden't have been discouraged by the marks range, and not have given up.

My class has always have been NERDS. Always constantly study. Even though they don't show it, they still study. Its stressful. I am force to study to not lag behind. And everyone is selfish. Trust me. They are. Its a vicious cycle. Do you know why they help? They want to get a tough questions which could help them do better when they know how to do. Or just reinforce what they know. In their mind, those weaker ones will not master them anyway. Either way, if they were to given a chance, they will not help. Its either for the sake of friends or the teacher.

I can tell from this from certain events. Like one fund raising, no one wanted to turn up. No 1 volunteers for anything (im selfish and im proud of it, mind u)
Its the basic principle. I exprienced it. I felt... I can't remember what it was... I only know now that I'm probably on my own. My ego getting the better of me. I don't care. All i know is I will probably succumb on this path i choose. But at least, I still hold by my beliefs. Till the end. I am selfish but i wont hide it. Thats what i hate most. Deception of motives.

Chinese... The O lvl chinese impends. and i am completely defenseless. U know y my chinese is so weak? call it excuses, but chinese has no meaning. The characters are simplified and these simplified characters have no actual meaning. Thus, intrest has gradually been lost. I used to like chinese, until i started to fail... and fail... whatever I do, the helplessness. I still fail... slowly... I hated it.... wanted to avoid it... The safety...

I have vomitted out the main things that process my mind tonight, others mihgt have been forgotten, or maybe solved...

SPA... the grading system is so unfair that the teachers are stressed. lol. We get stressed to u know (im stressed now)

Till next time.



Channeler of lust
6:06 AM
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