Miraging faith

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I feel that I'm posting blog posts to vent my frustration, resentment and exprience. I highly doubt there are many that visit this blog. I didn't advertise my blog much, but I'll reveal later why.

Everyday, I try to talk to some of my secondary friends to have a sense of nostalgia, but as it seems, everyone is moving on with their lives. sp, stump, zul got into MJC, most of the jc classmates went to greener pastures and most of my sec sch frens decided to go poly and are now probably engaging with work to have a prosperous pocket.

They have changed. Everyone has. The rift between each individual seemed to have widened. It seems that nothing will stay the same. It is only my disillusion that everything can stay as it was.

It's hard for me to make new friends as I am very cautious and I have to observe a great deal of an individual before one becomes my friend. Hence, now I find myself in a void. My past has discarded me. And my present is still a foggy. My choices are limited. I don't have time. Natural selection probably governs JC life. Hopefully I'll get to meet better ppl =\

I can't defined better. I don't have the data...

Now I can probably explain why I didn't advertise my blog.
1st: I only gave the links to those that are deserving. Based on apparent attitudes.
2nd: I gave the link on msn, which the audience click, tag and forget.
3rd: My updating it totally random. I choose quality over quantity. Hence,
4th: My posts are long and wordy and small font and boring and boring.

Ya. That's probably everything :P
I'm thinking of starting a photo blog. I'll bring a camara everywhere i go and take photos when i see something unique. Pictures can substitude words. How you look at the picture is how you feel about it. (can't really explain. pardon me)

I still can't accept it. I understand that everyone's busy with their new life... but... I am in no position to complain. My fault exists... Many class photos are lost. I must admit that I have never taken any intrest in being in a photo, but I really enjoy them. I seldom look at those photos but when I know that the photos are there, I get this little strenght, just enough to get me pushing on. I don't like to appear in photos as I am ugly and I can't smile (without laughing).
I didnt want to ruin the photo... well, no one will ever understand me. It may not be a biggie to you but it bothers me. I'm often the emo one as I probably have the greatest concern among everyone. If only I know someone that share my view...

It's getting late. I'll try to update daily now... Since I can't have photos then let words compose my daily life... the nostalgia that was never found... buried in the sands of time... I'm trapped in the void of tranference..............

Channeler of lust
6:42 AM
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Friday, February 22, 2008

This year is what they call the leap years. This means that there is going to be one more day in feburary... wonder how can this extra day be used...

It has been 10+ days since i last updated the blog. I'm really tired. The school seems to sap the life out of me. When i get home I'm just to latergic that i would collaspe on the bed if not for the daily doses of caffiene :D

Seniors of tampines junior college call it the aura of the school. It is this dominace that creates a void which empties one's energy. Well, me(I) thinks( think) it's the design of the place itself. I can't really eloborate about this since it's really one's preference and not the facts. Alternating between lectures and tutorials DOES not help either. It just doesn't. It can make one sick. Tempretures can go to aobut 18 - 20 C and then when you come out of the lecture, which is sometimes 12nn, you'll be suddenly exposed to prolly 30C (?) which sucks. Furthermore exposure to sunlight increases the producing of hormones... which make one sleepy (quoted from someone that spoke in front of the school)

Either way, doom in my inevitable end.

I wanted to continue the chinese new year thing but it like more then 15 days ago (thurs was the 15th day aka the chinese valentines day, which sucks too) so i've probably forgotten everything :)

err... *space filler*

Yeap, i'll blog about the school orientation instead. *takes a sip of coffee*
eww.. the coffee turned cold.

the day before day 1, aka day 0 : sheeren (?) called at night saying that she's the OGL (orientation group leader) and told me i was in group 8 (i was in group 8 at THE last orientation too <.<) dressed in uniform... report at 7.30 am ... etc etc

day 1: morning, 7.30am. I left my house and got there 20 secs before the guys at the door closed the gate. reached there at about 7.40 am. Followed by flag raising ceremony... propaganda video (was the SAME in PAE) followed by boring talks (almost the same slides and same words in PAE) followed by the icebreaking games, one of which is whacko, which i got pooned as i couldn't remember any of the names :)
Then got the blow wind blow game... errr... It was kinda fun actually. <-- prolly the best game :x :P

*whacko - a game which the players sit in a circle, and the chosen one stand at the center. The ppl sitting in the circle will shout A name, and the chosen one, with a stick, must hit the person called before he/she calls out another name (then the chosen one will try to whack the called person). *
*blow wind blow - a game where, as usual, have the chosen one and the circle sitters. Then the chosen one will shout "blow wind blow those with *something* and those possesing that something will have to chnage their sits with others that got blown (but not adjecent seats) and the chosen one got kopes a seat. The one that got no seat gets to be the next chosen one. *

Then we slacked coz the OGL ran outta games :)

Then got learning cheers... which was boring coz i learn alr... zzzzz....

Then more boring talk... about subjects... and no one gave a damn about the teachers presenting :)
They gave a 10min break after the brain overFEED. I went to derick's house after that, with ivan, opting out to miss interative sessions with tutors, break, qualify theory test for theatre studies(optional), lunch, dry game and qulifying tests for KI, math, cll (optional)
~lalalala~
what happened after i pontnk will be left for sheer discreetion. :)

Day 2 - the survival: nearly late as usual :D
then more more boring talks... forgot what he talk about.... shit(super hero in training) i think (coz i rmb got the incredibles pictures)
then got free milk... i got strawberry. It wasn't that bad. It was diluted. which made it taste good (i repel those with strong smell)

Then we had game of life... the OGL told me to be more enthu (enthusistic thingy ... BAH! screw spelling <.<). was ok . Wonder what's the diff btw it and dry games (although i pon dry game but the concept same to me :x)
we left 2 more station then time up. so we had lunch instead. We are supposed to have lunch together as a OG, but i was tired and i didnt feel like eating... then i go emo at one corner... then i saw wilson. we gayed :P

After that we learnt the mass dance 1, i suck at dancing. Perharps it's this perception that i had that made me unable to learn it. I learnt more then i expected. I was able to mimic about 70% of the dance (mostly hand movements). I am oblivious of the leg movements as i cant see :P (and i have probelm differtiating my left and right. It takes aobut 1-2 secs for me to determine which is which LOL)

Then learn couple dance... i went to the back of the stage to emo

then after that got the chior audition... I lalala - ed ffs. I bet i screwed it. lol. wilson passed it and the "begged" wilson to join choir xD

Ivan pontank halfway... nvr tell me D: I was looking for him sia...

Went home at 4.00pm ++

Day three : errr... got college tour... which was very brief :P which was good coz we had some time to slack and do more cheering practice. After that we went to learn the school song and cheer. And we were fast and gotseom xtra points from a mini cheering compition :D. The AV member put "hera crazy" (hera is my family)

after that got break... 10mins break <.<
affter that we learn another dance for the night, dance 3 as it was called. It seemed easier to learn this dance :P

errr i went to pontank wet games coz i didnt want to get wet and catch a cold. D: SO i poned :P

After that got the mass dance practice... i forgot totally about the dance ytd <.<

i waited for the cca sign up thing then signed up for cca and sci and environment
then went home and poned the Orientation night. I'm just a wet blanket there...

So that's basically what happened in the last 3 days.... :D
now what awaits me is anyone's guess ...

Channeler of lust
9:24 PM
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Thursday, February 07, 2008

Today is chinese new year. I heard that koreans celebrate the new year as chinese new year while the japanese celerbrate the new year on 1st jan. If you don't get my real agenda then... don't worry about it. :P

I was lucky that no one asked why i nvr go mjc for today ^_^ and i got $50 extra as a compliment of my o level results. I don't think i scored well. Well, I'll need that 50 bucks anyway. I'm in for a tough ride at JC. A rough one. Will my butt survive it? :P

In the morning I woke up at 10am(basically i just laid <-- right word form? there as i didnt want to wake up) Then my father was so anxious to begin the day visiting relatives that he had to wake me up. I went to my grandmother's house 1st (mother's side). It was boring. My mother's brother (what's the term for it?) was there. My cousins brought dogs. They were the center of attractions. They seemed to be the "PSP" of my cousins, or it's just me again :D .

Then I went to my father's big brother's house after going to my father's brother (elder i think) house to pick up his children which were about 30+ as he was at jurong for a buisness deal. Well, they were 30 + and have jobs. Surely they have enough money to at least take a taxi, or mature to take the bus. I had to squeeze at the back seat with lvl 1 fan speed of air con at 20C. I can hardly feel the air con. And the perfume was so strong <.< felt like puking. Upon reaching our destination, we were greated with a warm welcome. I tell you they are filthy rich. He house is full of new year tid bits - even with price inflations recently. I heard that my father's eldest brother is the money making kind. He is not the happy-go-lucky kind. If he has 1k, he will be thinking of how to make it 2k, unlike the others in the family who worry, at least on the surface, about surving for the day. Then there was a heated discussion on a guy who apparently wants to get a job for 10k a month, with 10 mths bonus. Initially the arguement was about competency, as they caution that if you aren't competent enough, they'll just fire you. Then they moved on to the lifestyles of managers. They, as promised, earn 10k a month, but they work from 9am - 2am everyday. You see them doing nothing much, but the stress they have is proportionate to their pay. They know what you do as they tell you what you do, but you dont know what they are doing as you aren't their boss. Somehow this intriged me. It seems highly true. I mean, managers are like those order ppl around and get high pay kind of jobs, which seemed highly unfair. And this factor puts the equation into balance. They may hang out at pubs, spamming and wasting beer, wines and chapaign like no big fuck, but they are actually drowsing their stress away. There was one guy who cautioned that you can only do this job for a few years before age catches up and you cannot handle this tremendous workstress anymore (or at least the nightlife) dont blame me for bad re narration. It was in half hokkian which i dont really understand. After that they moved on to ppl working at oil rigs, which reminded me of wilson's father, after the guy said that his friend earns 100k a month for being a property agent manager. He points out that those working at oil rigs for 30 years, even with low education, gets hugh pays, but they get bullied. Their superiors can scold them, but they can retaliate. They can't resign, as they have no qualifications. Their superiors are aware of this and as such they are more then willing to let you resign. They can hire someone with better qualifications and at a lower pay. Hence, those ppl working there are like an animal being chained on their necks, but the chain is not attached to the wall - they can run but they have no where to go, or they stay and suffer... and get paid(or fed in animal context).

I'll stop here. Ny butt itches. Probably my butt perspired. =.=

Channeler of lust
6:34 AM
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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Wanted to update yesterday... but got lazy... Yesterday my mum chucked the washing machine away. Thenb my comp keep tio error... sian.... forget what i want to type liao. It's a few minutes before CNY. So here's wishing everyone a happy chinese new year!

Channeler of lust
7:46 AM
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Monday, February 04, 2008

The JAE saga continues... Even though the choices are submitted, many still dream, regret and wish. And you know what? The fucked up thing is that everyone one hangs one option in mind - MJ.

I mean FFS (for fuck sake) what's so good about it? It's fuckin' emo. It's blue! And blue is fuckin' emo. Although one might argue that my spite is due to jealousy, but it's still fucked. But, if I'm not wrong, MJ will fall. Easy come, easy go. Their reputation and points decline at a rate seldom observed. They do produce results. But going there will just be a death trap, being trapped in the vortex of elitetism. I mean. It's just it isn't it, grades. Studies, a piece of cert. , determines whether you are a loser or winner. Everyone wants to win, I must admit that. In actual fact I'm willing to lose, but if I lose, others will perceive me as a loser, and give me that stamp (esp. those with big mouths). Therefore I can't lose.

Everyone wants to be better. Not just better, they want to be the best. Not many will consider how they will reach there. They only want the results. A particular JC's vice principal posed the question do we judge a person by his accomplisement, or by the process one takes. I personally believe that the process is the crucial part. It's the crux of the whole damn thing in this world. Others will condamn you if you don't produce results quick as time is money. Who doesn't lust for money. Money is NEVER enough. They thing is that if one is too cautious of his approach, he might be just graded soft by the society. It's not human nature to be backstabbing each other and all, due to the complexity of or minds, but i think this is due to the basic nature of all living things - natural selection. You can't handle the society? THEN DIE OUT. It's true isn't it? Although it's claimed to let you handle things at your PACE, but society SEES it as failure. One by one, with the education system, seives out the winners. Those that lead away that those who slog.

It's just my thinking again. I can be a philosophor (thingy). If only my english is good enough to put my thoughts across. And be convincing too. But not many will buy it though. They want to take a shot at winning. =\

I better stop talking about this subject least i get sued for typing something wrong again. I hope that the "no names, no lawsuit" thing will hold LOL

Life sucks. I'm practically downing in JC. GP's vocabulary level is too high for me to apprehand. I saw words i never knew existed. Like Oluasity (i made this one up). Ok. It's so complex that i cant even remember. FFS. pfft. This is probably the blog post with the most profanity i remember. I just read an article about anger thingy. It says something about the infernal peradox. Even though we have more stuff that are created to make lief supposedly BETTER for everyone of us, instead it hinders life more. We get more irritated easily. Probably that's just it. I have the chance to study for a better future but it just makes me more easily angry. i'm doomed. I just sealed my last chance to slack.

Nursey= oo studying is fun!
Kindergarden = Studying is FUN! I GET STICKERS!
Primary school = Can i stay home. Please?
Secondary = I want to be involved in BGR :<
then,
JC = chiong. Uni = Chiong. working = chiong.
Poly = slack awhile then chiong. Uni = chiong. Working = chiong
:<

Chiong liao lor. No more playing le. To those people who are still in secondary school or younger, PLEASE enjoy playing whenever you can without any imposing any penalty to your studies (this soceity can't accept those who an't score as i mention earlier). It's not expected of me, but I miss secondary school.

I think i've reached event horizen...

Things i expect to screw up in JC : econs, GP, PE, chinese

Channeler of lust
4:20 AM
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